Some days are harder than others. Some days I am extremely inspired and I feel good about my decision regarding dieting. On some days I miss my eating disorder.
On days that suck, I have to ask myself- would I feel upset if I didn’t percieve myself as fat? Of course not! This means the pain I feel is not regarding my choice to allow myself to listen to my hunger cues but from the decades of pain associated with having fat on my body. Feeling fat. Being told I am fat…and so on.
Socially it is not acceptable. There is not a person in my reality who has not said something to trigger my emotions regarding my eating disorder. Whether it be “oh, I think i lost some weight,” (like great, why is this so important?) or something as simple as “is that good for you,” (like it has calories and I am human- yes!) or the more triggering comments overheard like, “I’m just over here getting fat!” (Said by an extremely thin woman.) It is triggering because being fat is like the worst thing someone can be these days.
It’s a damn shame. Like have you heard any of the headlines- people are SUUUUFFFFFEERRRRINNNG FRFR! And I am over here trying to be okay with having fat on my body. WTF!?!
I understand that for so long I have let the food going into my mouth dictate my worth. I have let my body size and shape determine my worth. I have listened to what society has told me is acceptable and conformed. I have let society dictate my worth.
So when I let go of the control I have put over my body I wonder who I am but even more so, I trigger all of that emotion I was hiding while controlling my eating and movement regimen. It was all control over the emotion I was not willing to deal with from a lifetime of living in an “unacceptable” body.
Ahhhhh!! Today was so rough. I woke up to a Facebook memory of myself doing front squats with a smaller body and I quickly found myself drowning in self-doubt. I know that this is a process. You can’t just accept your body overnight. I have to remember that even when I was thinner there were always “goals” of changing something about it. Meaning there was NEVER real acceptance.
Today I missed my eating disorder. I wanted to ignore my hunger cues. I wanted to feel acceptable. I wanted to conform. I felt weak. There was pain. Dieting is a helluva drug.